The Value of Using Dreams

Using dreams. We almost all have them, and they freak most of us out. It’s very easy to take them personally, as if they’re some kind of referendum on the quality of our sobriety. Does having one mean we want to use? That we’re not working a “good” program?

Personally, the worst part of my using dreams is the sense I have in them that I’ve been secretly using for months or even the entire length of my supposed sobriety. The lying makes me feel terrible, and at the same time, appeals to the part of me that wants to believe that this isn’t a progressive disease. Maybe, I think to myself in the dream, I’m not an addict at all, because, evidently, I can hide it even from people in the program. But if this is true, I know I will lose the friendships I have made in recovery. The despair at the thought is palpable, and I struggle awake to escape it.

I’ve come to recognize that using dreams are a form of a “safe” slip. We can learn the lessons of a relapse without actually doing the homework. You get to see what it would feel like if you went out there again, and 99.99% of the time, if feels dreadful. Do you ever hear anyone say “I had the best using dream last night?” Do you ever want to get back to the same dream when you fall back to sleep?

Just because I almost never feel a craving anymore doesn’t mean that my disease isn’t doing pushups in that coffin I keep it in. When the night of my subconscious falls, the casket lid goes up. My dream state is the perfect place for my addictive beast to tear around and try to do as much damage as it can, but I must remember that not one actual line is snorted, or pipeful inhaled. And comes the dawn, the vampire is spent, but I’m still clean.

A using dream doesn’t mean you want to use. They may, however, serve as a safety valve for your disease. They are scary, but they can also be cause for gratitude. I know when I wake up, the relief I feel tells me that, yes, I really do want to be sober. This is always a good thing to be reminded of, however disorienting and unpleasant the actual reminder.

Mark O.

Party at the "G's"

Hi-

Terry is graduating with his Masters’ on June 12th.

I’m throwing an Open House Party for him on Saturday, June 13th, from NOON to 4PM.

1348 S. Longwood Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90019

Please stop and say “Hi” and have a bite to eat. I’m sure he would love to see you after being completely preoccupied with studying these past several months.

You’re welcome to bring guests- let me know if you can attend and celebrate this day with us.

Best- Will

New Date for Meeting

Well it seems that there are more reasons to change next month's district meeting date. We are considering moving the meeting up one week to June 6th. If you have any feedback about that let me know. I think it will make it easier for everyone, including myself (I graduate from college on the 13th) If there are no big objections, I will secure the meeting room for June 6th, the regular time 10am.

In other news, Leslie Jordan has agreed to be in the comedy show June 26th. Very exciting. We will have tickets to sell before the 1st of June so keep an eye out.


Dale

District Meeting Report

Hello everyone,

Thank you to everyone who came to the meeting this saturday. We are working behind the scenes to help this fellowship grow and grow and we are glad that you are part of that effort. As a recap, here are some of the things that we discussed at the last meeting.

H&I continues to move forward and recently has taken a great leap forward. We are now poised to start 2 panels in county jail. These panels will need panel leaders with the highest dedication and committment. Donald, Mark and Victor are looking for panel leaders and as always are looking for great speakers for all of the H&I panels.

If your meeting does not have an H&I liaison please make a weekly appeal for members to attend the once a month Hospitals and Institution meeting where they can sign up to speak on a panel and learn more about being of service. This June, the meeting will be at Plummer park on June 13th at 1pm. It is normally at the West Hollywood Drug and Alcohol center but it will be at Plummer park on June 13th because of the Parade and Festival in West Hollywood on that weekend.

Speaking of being of service, the Information and Outreach committee is looking for people who would like to help out on this really important committee. They are in charge of spreading the word about CMA to the world. Right now we are getting the word out about the new CMA Helpline so that those in need of a meeting will know where to call if ever they are ready to seek help. We have gotten ad space in the LA Weekly and Frontiers and we are planning other ways to get the information cards about the helpline into hospitals, doctors offices, social service offices etc.

On friday, May 29th at 2pm we are planning a distribution event during the day to do just that. We will split up into groups and head out to places where they can put the information cards out for those who might need them. Let your group know that we will meet in the parking lot nearest Santa Monica Blvd in Plummer Park at 2pm. You may even pass a sign up sheet around to get names and phone numbers and then email them either to me or Tim at timpermanent@gmail.comso that we can call them and confirm.

Likewise we need volunteers to do research to find resource guides and websites that will publish our helpline number for addicts looking for help. We also need volunteers who would be willing to be on call to work a CMA booth at street festivals and health fairs.

We also have a commitment open for someone to give CMA information to recently paroled inmates in the san fernando valley.

We are now in the process of checking out retreat locations for a possible retreat next year. We received some great suggestions so keep them coming so that we can find the best retreat location possible.

The Comedy Show is on track for June 26th at 7pm. Tickets will go on sale for 10.00 and will be pre sold for the event at Fiesta Hall in Plummer Park. We have some amazing comedy talent lined up already and we will have flyers and tickets for sale very soon.

Thats all for now. More to come.

Thank you all for your service.

Dale G
Chair of the Greater Los Angeles District Committee

Moments of Clarity

I pose this as a question because my disease seems to pose everything as a question, searching for answers through the fog of meth. Am I done? Can I go one more round? How much will I do? Why shouldn't I? Who was really hurt? And then there were all the questions posed around trying to juggle drug use with a lucrative prostitution "career," particularly the requirement that I always get high for free. I used to be proud that I never paid for it, but I did pay, with sex and false friendships and loyalties. What I traded was much more valuable than money.

Coming to a L.A. as an 18-year old boy with no family, just a knapsack and years of molestation for baggage, I only knew how to think of myself. It was a matter of survival. Years later, clarity finally posed its first questions, as my body and my soul ached from the spiritual and physical insanity of prostitution. Other doubts starting crowding in when I started to become accountable for other living beings-a lover, a pet. I realized my actions had consequences beyond myself.

Eventually I found CMA, and gradually I've started disposing of the old survival tools and replacing them with the tools needed to stay sober. I cancelled the ads I used to make a living that proved incompatible, for me, with staying clean. I found a sponsor. I set guidelines with my friends and partners to reduce the possibility of using. It took several months of putting together a few days or weeks at a time, then relapsing, but I each time dusted myself off and kept coming back.

I have just received my 30-day chip. I needed that chip! But I have also learned not to be overconfident. I must remain vigilant about the possibility of relapse, but also aware living one day at a time is my best defense. I'm making new, healthy choices now. I've joined a. softball team, work out with new friends within CMA and other 12-step programs. We fellowship and share our experience, strength and hope. They love me as I am--with my pants up. And to that I give a huge thumbs up!

Tony F.

District Meeting Reminder

This Saturday, May 9th will be the next district meeting of the Greater Los Angeles District of CMA. I cant wait to see all of you and give you updates about what is happening in our district and around the world. As usual it is at Plummer Park, Art Room 2. Be there by 10 for the general meeting and come by 930 if you would like to attend the New GSR Orientation. Looking forward to seeing you all there. I will send along the Minutes from our last meeting and the Agenda for this meeting during the week.

Dale G.
Chairperson of the LA District