Bowling in LB!

Memo to Myself

In these three plus years of recovery, your awareness has been unwavering that getting loaded solves no problem, heals no pain. Every time you have asked yourself the question "would crystal meth or any other drug make my life better now?" the answer has been unambiguously and resolutely "nope." Even when the clamor of nagging voices has been loudest and most piercing, the siren song "You need a bump or a hit" has remained unsung. Savor that gift of grace and deliverance.

    But there have been so many times, and such long intervals of time when the clear mind you now prize has been occluded by anxiety, immobility, despair, a wretched sense of drifting numbly through the days, of sinking helplessly into hours of escapist sleep, of awakening with dread that the new day holds more of the same bleakness as yesterday and the day before. And you've suffered, as the day unfolds, with the recognition that yet again you feel numb, joyless, disconnected, uninspired, empty. I know how hopeless you've felt, how full of self-doubt, how stuck, how plagued by guilt that you're not working hard enough, not doing your program as earnestly or as honestly as you should. I see the painful paralysis that keeps you from reaching out even when you know you need to. Those days will come again.

    So let me speak to you now from a different place, because I would like to offer you a glimmer that may light those long, dank tunnels with a warm ray of hope. Here are other truths you are prone to forget. You have also had times when you feel as inspired as you ever did during your most energized days on crystal meth -- without the loud buzz of distractions, a multiplication of tangents, acceleration that slams you into a wall.

    You have felt more purely and fully bathed in love without grasping than you imagined possible, of love that surpasses the most ecstatic peaks of lust (which dissolved so quickly into longing): love bleached of grasping, clinging, needing. You have become more and more able to feel and express emotions at a depth and with a fullness that once seemed inconceivable. In that, you discovered that pain comes not from feeling but from resistance to experiencing feelings. You dive deeper and deeper, more and more willingly.

    You have unexpectedly seen a gleam on the horizon  when the mental fog lifts and finally you see a way forward. You discover understandings you did not even know you had. You have felt attuned to your instincts and you trusted them. Your intuitions and capacities expand more and more all the time. You have found the courage, when you felt lost yet, to keep stumbling forward, trusting you would find a clearing and get your bearings. In fleeting moments, you have felt a wind (a spirit?) at your back propelling you forward, carving a path through wilderness.

    Blessed discovery: when the student became ready the teachers appeared. You learned to call for help and you learned to grasp the hands that reached out to guide and support you. You have found a voice that knows how to pray, and noticed that the more you rely upon and trust divinity, the more empowered you feel. You find that the more you ask for help, the more help is available to you. You learned to accept help gratefully, recognizing that others feel heartened by being of service as much as you do. You have learned that selfless service truly does release you from the bondage of self, from crippling fears of failure or complaint, and you have been overtaken by surprise at the bliss of present-time awareness. 

    You have had moments when those who witness your growth and changes marvel at your leaps forward. You have recognized that you can be trusted and you can trust the process. Relieved of shame and remorse, you have accepted that you are just where you should be; released from striving, you savor your becoming. 

Michael G.

Skate Party

January 12, GSR Meeting Minutes

10:00 am GSR Meeting

Call to Order

OPENING – We Version of Serenity Prayer   

Present:  Jeff, Dan, Bill, Dale, Alan, Joey, Chuck, Rob, Kurt, John, Rob, Rich, Chuck, Roger, Joseph, Mike, Sebastian, Bob, Robert G, Johnny, Del, Stephen, Anthony, James, Tim

Seventh Tradition

Area Delegate – Dale – We are conducting an anonymous, hand written survey of the fellowship of CMA. We would like meetings distribute the survey and have members fill out the survey and get them back to me (the area delegate). As we continue to do this we can see how our fellowship is changing and how we can best serve the fellowship as a whole. Please only fill out one survey (even if you go to multiple meetings). http://cma.cmausaworld.net/  ** Update, we have not yet finished the frequently asked questions portion for this survey.



Chair- Mark (Absent) Tim – The area assembly is being held in San Diego next weekend, Saturday January 19th. In the next several weeks GSRs need to ask their meetings to incur the expense of the CMA World survey. The meetings will be responsible for printing costs of the survey, etc. This is a great new year. We are looking into moving this fellowship into more areas of the county where CMA is needed. World Conference in Minneapolis Minnesota, is $109 for registration only.

Co-Chair – Tim – Phone list of GSRs is available to all GSRs. Meeting contributions to the district are extremely important.

Webmaster-Terry D. – The new template for the website has been purchased. The website will be worked on this weekend and will be up very soon.

Events- Dan – The bowling event is scheduled for the end of January, there are flyers. The event is Thursday, January 31st from 7PM-10PM at Shatto Lanes in Los Angeles. Please invite all your friends on FB and in meetings to come to this event.

Public Information and Outreach- Joey -  Evolution of addiction treatment conference is here Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The conference will be held on February 7th through the 10th, at the Westin Hotel, 5400 West Century Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA. We will be attending the conference to show what CMA is about. We are looking into holding the next street trooping event in Long Beach.

Chips & Literature- Kurt – Chips and Literature for the greater Los Angeles District are for sale.

Anthony G. – Newcomer packets available for $1 each.

Helpline-Roger – December was 17 hang-ups and 21 answered calls. January, 4 hang-ups and 9 answered calls so far.

H & I – Bob – We are happy to report that we have a few new panels, the H & I meetings have been rapidly expanding.

H&I Co-Chair – Robert G.- We are looking into planning the details of an H&I appreciation Dinner. Tentative date is March 10th.
Mike M. (LONG BEACH) – We have panels in Long Beach that have been maintained, we need additional panel leaders in Long Beach.

Rob – Literature - Several new pamphlets being looked into, the sober toolkit, anonymity, what about meditation, sex and sobriety, and I can stay sober, today I can, and there is hope, are all being looked into.

SOBRIETY MILESTONES
Terry D    6 years
Joey        7 years

NEXT DISTRICT MEETING
February 9th, 2013 at Plummer Park, West Hollywood

BOWLING!

DONE

I AM DONE

Three words
I never want to hear
I need to say myself
My heart crippled by fear

I AM DONE

Lying to you
Lying to me
Struggling on the inside
Drowning in belief

I AM DONE

Deconstructing my future
Being stuck in the past
I’m trying to move forward
Forgiveness at last

I AM NOT DONE

Defining my purpose
This leader in me
A stronger man
Is what I will be


Joe
 

Thanksgiving x 3

    I have been sober from meth for three years on Thursday. I think about how fast time went when I was high, how every moment became the next without mercy, without ceasing for reflection-- or thought or even emotion.
    I think about how my entire being was in the moment and I would commonly say, "There is no future. There is only now." I would use that mantra as an excuse to continue using and not think about the future. Then one day, I looked in the mirror and saw a shadow of the person I was.     I didn't see Matthew--perhaps that's why I used a name that wasn't even mine when I introduced myself to anyone I would meet. Everything was so fleeting. I would bask in the warmth of someone and see inside them. It was always so hollow, and when it wasn't drug induced, it was cold. It was simply because I wasn't living for me. I wasn't living with the thought of what I could become.
   I also think about all those people who are out there still struggling, those sad lonely souls--that I pass on the street and see on the bus. They hardly recognize me because I am healthy now. They are merely shadows of what they were when I knew them; now shadows of shadows. I see them and think that I would be the same pale shade of grey with eyes purely red, shaky hands, and see the constant false belief that there is nothing more to hope for in their eyes. Nothing left to dream about. The nightmares that used to come as you finally let your body rest. The falling.
  That's not me anymore. I have so much to hope for, so much to dream about, so much ahead of me in my future. It doesn't matter what I did then, becaue that side of me is long gone.
   The damage that was done still remains in some ways, I use the damaged pieces of my life to build a puzzle that reflects my future. I have a loving family who I care for deeply and they do me. I have my love and my dog, Dexter. I have so much that was left in pieces, and those things are slowly coming together as I struggle to figure out where the pieces fit. The struggle is a labor of love. It is a struggle in which I revel as everything starts to come together.
   I find it ironic that the day I became sober is also Thanksgiving, and while I believe in my sobriety and have much to be thankful for, the holiday escapes me. I reimagine it in my head to mean something more, something that is about family and friends, and not some childish American pipe dream involving indians and pilgrims. Maybe that's what makes the day important to me. It was the day in which I decided that love and the future was more important then the feeling, the fix, that meth provided me. A feeling that arrived within my hollowness in place of the absence of all love and the ruins my life had become. It was the day I decided that there was much more I needed to do, there was much more than just myself to fix.
   I always think on my friends and family and what I am thankful for. Not just on Thanksgiving and Christmas, all the time. I honor them all the time, I give the presents and attention when I want, not just on holidays that are prescribed as a way to stimulate the economy, or pay homage to someone's god or religious belief. However, if those things lead us to eachother, maybe they aren't so bad after all.
  I grow stronger and brighter each day and that's all related to what is foreseen, a future. A future in which everything is brighter and better and can be made better by me. By being present, by being alive, by not being a tweaker. The future is bright for all of us, if we can see past the present and presents and realize that what we really have to be thankful for is each other.

Matthew M.

Willingness Not Desire

I was recently crossing the street on the way to a speak at a meeting, and a good friend in the program happened to be driving past, his convertible top down.  We said hi, exchanged pleasantries, and I couldn’t help but notice the extremely attractive young guy next to him.  We nodded to each other, and then they drove off and I went to my meeting.

I came home that afternoon to a friend-request on Facebook, which I was pretty sure was this good-looking passenger.  Flattered, I accepted his request. Then I went to the movies.  When I came out of the movies, there were three texts on my phone, from this guy.  “Hope I’m not being forward, but...”  They were harmless, flirtatious, and yes “ a bit forward” but it’s amazing how much leeway most of us give to the desirable.

We exchanged a few texts, and he sent a few shirtless pics and asked for some in return. (Since the advent of Facebook and pool parties, he can see all the torso shots he wants--so no, I didn’t send any.)  My ego enjoyed the attention, but he was going 80 mph in a 35-mile zone, and I didn’t remotely feel like trying to keep up with him. 

I suggested finding each other at a meeting the next morning.  I didn’t really expect him to show--and he didn't.  I was sure he’d been carrying on several texting conversations as well as mine, and whoever said “why don’t you come over” first, won.  And I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to discover he said yes to the situation he knew would lead to an offer of meth.  If not that night, the next night, or the next.

Putting sex on the shelf for a while is a suggestion you might hear if you are in early sobriety. It is not designed to punish you, or because your sponsor loves sex any less than you do.  It’s because when you put down the pipe or the needle, you retain the thinking that went with the pipe or the needle.   The thinking that tells you that gay men were designed to have a lot of sex, and the validation you get from hearing “you’re hot” is an indispensable part of your self-esteem.  It’s the thinking that tells you you are a loser if you’re don’t have a boyfriend, or at least someone you’re seriously dating.  It’s a brain chemistry that will search for new reasons to prime the endorphin pump, anything to create the semblance of a rush.

When those of us with time tell those of you without time that we know of what we speak, we do. Really, really we do.  We have so been there.  And those of us who managed to get over here, and stay over here, almost universally had to give ourselves permission to do things differently, to do everything differently. I feel safe speaking on their behalf: You need to try it.

You know what it’s like to spend hours on at least 7 websites I could name off the top of my head. You know what it’s like to appear at someone’s door and get to it.  You know what it’s like to have 7-hour sex, high, with dehydration and chaotic consequences, and you know what it’s like to have 20-minute sex “sober” (technically) after which you think “if this is what it’s going to be like, I’m never going to make it.”

What you don’t know is really who you don’t know.  You don’t know yourself after this sort of “now, now, now” thinking has started to subside. You don’t know what it’s like to be one more day sober than the longest time you’ve ever been sober. You don’t know what it’s like to know in your deepest self that finally getting that guy on Grindr to say yes  has absolutely no bearing on your worth as a human being.

I once heard a woman share that for her, getting clean was like slamming on the brakes at 80 mph and having all the crap loaded in the back seat flying forward.  If this describes the tumult of your early sobriety, you’re in very good company.  Your initial impulse is probably to throw everything in the back seat and speed back down the highway, conveniently forgetting you were actually going against traffic.

When I went to prison, the two longest times in my adult life I’d gone without sex were both 3 weeks each - both due to illness.  While incarcerated, I went 9 months.  What a blessing that was.  I had no idea that I could even do celibacy for that long - what if my penis permanently forgot how to function? When I broke fast, so to speak, I realized that the same kind of wild costume-change sex that I used to have was exhausting. Suddenly I had to do all the work the drug used to do, and it felt forced and artificial. I just didn’t want to. But what did I want?

I found out what I wanted by not wanting it. That is to say I put my agenda aside, and concentrated on the willingness to operate in the world according to spiritual principles. Eventually, sexual and romantic partners come back into my life, in ways and at times I never could have predicted would “work” so well for me. 

Let me heartily suggest that when the devil whispers in your ear: “You want that. You need that. You can have that. Go for that. Get that,” say “Thank you for sharing, Devil. I know you’re the expert on desire. But you don’t know shit about willingness, and right now, that’s what I’m working on.”

Be willing not to know what your sex/love life is going to look like.  You don’t have to know right now, you really don’t. Concentrate on staying clean, and the answers will come.

Mark O.

Meeting Changes - Relapse Prevention

The Tuesday 8:30 CMA meeting at Cedar Sinai will be meeting in the following venues (see below for appreviations):

10/23/2012   -MMC RCCCR B

10/30/2012   MMC RCCCR B

11/6/2012  MMC RCCCR A

11/13/2012  MMC RCCCR B

11/20/2012  MMC RCCCR B

11/27/2012  MMC RCCCR A

12/4/2012 MMC HMCC 1 & 2

12/11/2012 MMC HMCC 1 & 2

Until July, meetings will be held in  MMC RCCCR B, and information will be update for the rest of 2013 at that time.

RCCCR  A or B             Ray Charles Cafeteria Conference Center Room a or b       South Tower, Street Level

HMCC 1&2                  Harvey Morse Conference Center (room 1 and 2)               South Tower, Plaza Level, passed Starbucks

ECC                              Education Conference Center                                               North Tower, Plaza Level

Comments Disabled

I have disabled comments because the very few made invariably showed a first and last name on the part of the commenter - it's the nature of most gmail accounts. This is obviously a violation of anonymity.

For example, today Michael D. posted this comment on a post concerning the 11th tradition.

"AA didnt ask me to be their poster child or spokesperson. I am not always the best example of AA and I shouldnt "represent" AA publicly. If I feel the need to announce to everyone on Facebook that I am in AA and then I get arrested for drunk driving....I am doing AA a dis-service. Really? It's simple, start a secret group. Talk about AA , recovery , NA whatever in there, it's just so simple, keep AA's name out of your mouth unless youre in a meeting, secret group or trying to help someone one on one, doing a PICPC presentation for AA. What are your real motives for feeling the need to break the 11th tradition? Ask your sponsor, read the 12 and 12. on The 11th Tradition and the Internet"

 

Excellent comment, but his last name showed up in full, ironically.  Unfortunately, the moderation settings did not allow me to change the name of the commenter, and explaining each time this happened proved very time consuming.

 

By the way, there is a private group for CMALA that is very popular on Facebook.

 

I would encourage anyone who wants to comment to submit a blog post to me at editorcmainla@gmail.com.

 

THANKS

 

Mark

Tuesday Meeting Changes

1) the 7pm cma hiv mtg tonight is moved to the residence of donald layman.

320 S. Gramercy Place, #108





the subway stops at western 7 wilshire, 4 blocks south and 4 blocks east. call jay wheeler if you need help with directions.

http://goo.gl/maps/EocXz

2) The Tuesday Night, 8:30pm Relapse Prevention Meeting at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center is meeting in the Harvey Morse Conference Center in Rooms 1&2. The Harvey Morse Conference Center is located at the Plaza Level on the east end of the South Tower.
Going Forward the the meeting will be held in the Ray Charles Cafeteria and Conference Center, Room B. The Ray Charles Cafeteria Conference Rooms are:

located on the Street Level. From the South Tower street

level entrance, follow signs to the cafeteria. Turn left in

hallway just before entering the cafeteria’s food service area.

Thank you to everyone for your willingness to move around until the hospital was able to give us a permanent location for the rest of the year.

Roger DLC

Audition for Bindi's Burlesque

Monday Meeting Changes

BREAKING NEWS: 
Monday, NCJW meeting has been relocated once again because of the room is not available for the next three Mondays:

Temporary Location for Monday, 7pm, Promises Meeting
Monday October 1, 8 and 15th.
The Gateway (Target) Center.  Santa Monica Blvd. and La Brea
Please help spread the word!

Meeting Changes

Hi Everyone,

Monday Sept. 17th - The7pm meeting at the NCJW in West Hollywood is cancelled at this moment, they are attempting to get a room at the Gateway Center. I will keep you updated

Tuesday Sept. 18th and 25th - The 7pm meeting at the NCJW will be moved to the WEHO Target Gateway Community Room at 7100 Santa Monica  Blvd., #70, West Hollywood 90046
The entrence to the room is located next to the Sub Sandwich Shop

Please annouce these changes
Thank you, have a great rest of your day,
Mark M.

Pool Party!

Pool Party!

District Meeting, Aug 11, 2012

Executive Committee Meeting 9:00am
Call to Order
OPENING – We Version of Serenity Prayer

Present:  Mark M., Tim P., James, Bob S., Dan, Gina, Robert G., Joey C., Rob

Chair - Mark – California Area Assembly this month, August 25th, time is TBA. Dale will be here to share about what is happening on the GSO level. Everyone from the district may go to the area assembly. Mark was on the world conference, conference call.  There were 393 hits last month on the website.

Co-Chair – Tim – He will be going to the area assembly and if anybody in the district needs anything from the area assembly, he will be glad to help.

Treasurer – Jeff (Tim) – There is nothing to report out of the ordinary for the district treasury. (Mark) I did go to the bank to do an audit, everything matches up and s great.

Events – Gina – We have found a pool for the H&I pool party. The capacity is 120 persons; also the theme is Hawaiian tropical. Saturday, September 29th, between 1pm and 5pm is the official date and time of the pool party.

Public Information & Outreach – Joey – We are invited to the Freedom Festival next month in Downtown. The Share Foundation Downtown is looking for a meeting. Street Trooping with Sean K is happening this week.

H&I  Chair – Bob (Co-Chair Robert G)  – Some of the panels need leaders to step up after people have fulfilled their commitments. We are also getting another panel at West Hollywood Twin Town. There are 28 panels right now.

Literature – Rob – Most of the World Conference call was on Sex in Sobriety. There was a lot of editing on this literature. Also, we need a woman to help with a women’s pamphlet. There are a few problems with the world’s website because they are doing a complete revamp.

10:00 am GSR Meeting

Call to Order

OPENING – We Version of Serenity Prayer   

Present:  Mark M, Tim P., James, John, Stephen, Robert G, Bill G, Bob, Mike M, Sean, Anthony, Doug, Chuck, Alan, Jim, David, Anthony, Glenn, Kim, Rob, Joey, Dan, Chuck, Gina, Dale, Robbie

Seventh Tradition

Secretary- James – Rob has motioned to pass minutes with amendments, Glenn seconded, minutes passed unanimously with changes.

Chair- Mark M – California Area Assembly is Aug 25th, in San Francisco. Dale and Tim are going. The website has averaged approximately 400-500 hits per month. Everything from the bank account is correct and matches with the reports of Jeff.

Co-Chair – Tim – Tim has a lot of respect for Jeff. Tim will be at the area assembly, if there is anything that you need from the area assembly but are unable to make it please let him know if you need anything.

Treasury Report - [Omitted for Blog]

Webmaster-Terry- absent (Mark): Current and updated.

Registrar – Kim: There were no changes to be made in the meeting directory besides the correction of a meeting time.

Events- Gina (Dan): We have a pool for the H&I pool party! It will be located on Vista between Fountain and Sunset. We have a D.J. confirmed. Saturday, September 29th, between 1pm and 5pm is the official date and time of the pool party.

Chips & Literature- Kurt (Joey):  Chips and Mini-Big Books for sale, we are fully stocked.

Anthony G. – We have newcomer packets for $1/each …

Public Information and Outreach- Joey
We are very busy this month. We are doing our second round of street trooping at August 18th, next Saturday, at 1:30, at the pavilions. Freedom Festival, Downtown is at September 9th, 10:30AM.

Helpline-Roger (Absent) - Helpline training TBA.

H & I – Bob S. & Robert G – Nothing is really new with H&I, we need a leader for Royal Palms and McIntyre. We will need people to help with the Pool Party.

Rob – Literature -  If anybody in the district knows of a Female Crystal Meth Addict in Recovery, we need their help for literature. Please contact Rob with that information.

Dale G – Delegate – The minutes from the world conference, there is new approved world literature. There are 2 public service announcements that CMA world has to approve. World is looking to create a survey to gather information about demographics of members.

SOBRIETY MILESTONES
Robbie    13 years

NEXT DISTRICT MEETING
September 8th, 2012 at Plummer Park, West Hollywood

If Looks Could Kill: Beautiful Men and Meth

The recent death of a member of our program known for his physical beautiful (and porn career) has prompted me to repost this.

("Steve" is a composite of some of the men I've met in recovery, some of whom committed suicide-by-relapse. Constructing this fictional biography is part of an attempt to figure out how inordinate physical beauty-a trait most of us envy-creates its own set of issues in relation to addiction.)

"Steve" grows up in a churchgoing Ohio family, one of three kids. He is just masculine enough to "pass" in high school, or maybe it's the fact that the girls think he's so cute. In college he starts to wonder if his attraction to men isn't as "bad" as he was taught, though his first sexual forays -with his fraternity brothers-involve copious amounts of alcohol. This starts a lifelong association between sex and intoxication.

Steve can't wait to move to the L.A., where he gets a real estate license and begins to hit the gym with fervor. He comes out to his family, but the topic is largely avoided after he does. He finds the competition at work very tough, and is relieved to land a job as a bartender. His head-turning looks make him an immediate hit, and he learns how to enjoy being the center of attention-a little easier when part of the job is letting customers buy you shots. After work one night, a co-worker offers him his first bump of crystal, but he turns it down. He sees how wrapped up in it some get, and doesn't want to risk being whispered about. (Being a bartender has reinforced his burgeoning sense that who he is and how he is seen by others are one and the same.)

Steve has a series of casual boyfriends, but bartending doesn't mix well with relationships. Besides, he likes to go out and always gets propositioned. On his days off, he meets guys at the gym or on line. On some level, he recognizes that the sex is far less important to him than the moment when they say they want him. The compliments even embarrass him a little, but he becomes addicted to hearing them.

One night he goes home with a porn star every inch a fantasy. He offers Steve some crystal, and this time Steve says yes. It's the first time he has leather sex and engages in serious role play. The connection with this guy seems so intense and real. The crash sucks, but by the next weekend Steve is at it again.

The porn star is in an open relationship, and Steve can't believe he's letting himself get involved anyway. He's also having unsafe sex, even though HIV hasn't been discussed. Aside from the crystal, Steve starts doing steroids. When it's suggested he do some porn, all of his buttons are pushed. It's as if the more validation he gets, the more he needs. Steve slowly loses touch with what used to make him feel unique-that funny kid who loved to draw and wanted to be an engineer or architect.

Steve calls in sick a few times too many at work, and they start to give his shifts away. To make ends meet, he starts working on the side as an escort. Soon the "new normal" is even more money and more attention. Now he makes his living straddling the divide between fantasy and reality. He can't even imagine pulling it off without the meth. When he is high, he feels like the man his clients perceive him to be.

Eventually, of course, the meth stops working the way it used to. Steve is antsy and distracted on his calls, and his repeat clients drop him. His life becomes smaller and smaller. He spends hours on the computer, often hooking up with the same guys he used to dismiss as "tweakers." He gets a staph infection, and uses it to wheedle money from his mom. Thankfully his family flies into town and stages an intervention. By then, Steve is finally ready to enter rehab.

It's easy enough to dismiss Steve's behavior as narcissism, but he's really just reacted quite rationally to a culture which treats extreme good looks as if they represent far more fundamental qualities. When you are physically "blessed," people tend to ascribe a lot of traits to you that you may not actually have. It's much easier not to work on yourself-emotionally, intellectually and spiritually-when a hard body and a winning smile get you all the strokes our society tells you equal happiness.

Many gay men are co-conspirators in this process. We flatter and objectify as we feel flattered by being objectified; we put the hyper-beautiful on pedestals and then wonder how they can fall off. We find it hard to imagine that if we had that face and that body, we wouldn't have all the raw materials required to win the game of life.

This culture of validation results in a lot of men looking for answers in the mirror, or in the reflection of themselves they see in your eyes. What meth does is blur the line between self and image; it creates the illusion, momentarily, that you are entitled to all your good press. It's an ersatz, chemically-induced authenticity, but it temporarily squelches the sense of being a fraud-and there is relief in that.

Physical beauty is not meaningless; but we evolved an appreciation for it mostly for biological reasons. Aesthetically-pleasing features and strong bodies represent healthy genes. We won't stop wanting those who we want-nor should we try. But we can aim for a right-sized reaction to beauty, not attaching assumptions to it that are more projections of our own desire than anything else.

I've seen plenty of men get and stay clean. Whether or not they are perceived as physically beautiful, those who succeed universally learn to measure themselves by that which is immeasurable: kindness, love, a spiritual understanding of existence. These are things that never fade and cannot grow old, but always get better with age.

M.O.

Meetings needing support

Joyous, Grateful & Free
Thursday, 7:00
9436 Slauson Ave
Pico Rivera, CA  90660

Sex and Relationship
Wednesday, 8:00
AT Center (Upstairs)
1773 Griffith Park Blvd
LA CA 90028

Barbecue!

From Meth to Math

Twenty-five years ago I decided to get an education at the West Hollywood College of Streetsmarts, pursuing an Associate’s Degree in Nightlife Studies. The required courses : Bar Basics 101; a unique look at men dancing, and cruising;  Alcohol Principles; how much, how many, how often?, Poppers Theory –investigations into how to alter your sense of reality for about 30 seconds at a time and Personal Relationships / B to the 5th power; Bookstores, Back Alleys, Bars, Bathhouses and Barebacking. I earned my degree in record time, a member in good standing of the Dishonor Society.

I decided to continue on to a B.A. in Hard Drugs with a minor in Crystal meth.  The course requirements : Euphoria / Psych 201-a look into feelings you think you are feeling but aren’t; Anatomy - Sexual Desires 201- a study into desires beyond normal and acts beyond belief; Economics 201 /Money Mismanagement – How to spend it, lose it and steal it; Social Undevelopment / Paranoia- answering the questions Who’s there, Where am I, and Do you see the tree people ?

After 12 years of intense research and studying, I graduated at the top of my class--or at the bottom, as it were. My lower education was finally over. I started over at C.M.A, the university from which you never graduate, nor want to. Everyone is working on the same dissertation here: How to Save Your Life by Sharing your Experience, Strength and Hope with Each Other.

I can’t  tell you not to use meth, it is not my place. I can only share my story with you, in hopes that you find some other course of study besides partying till the wheels come off. I hope that what you search for is in these rooms, in each other and in a God of your understanding.

I am now in my third year at Santa Monica City College, studying for my RN.

Where once I went to a Meth lab, I now go to Math Labs.  In my Meth studies I got an A. In my math Studies I got a C.  I am happier with the C.

I am currently the President of the Alpha Gamma Sigma Honor Society and a President’s Ambassador. People believe in and depend on me.  In sobriety I’ve found a relationship, friends and a career. More importantly, I’ve found honor and integrity. I am truly an educated man.

Ernie S.

New Meeting

H.O.P.E. In NoHo

WHEN:
Thursdays @ 8:00 P.M.
  
WHERE :
MCC CHURCH IN THE VALLEY
5730 CAHUENGA BLVD
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA 91606

Spread the Word!

Other "Twelves"

Reminder:  This blog is designed as a grassroots depository of thoughts, ideas, and experience of those seeking to maintain and achieve sobriety from crystal meth.  None of what is posted here is officially approved literature from Crystal Meth Anonymous,  and is to be considered "opinion" by the authors.
I found the following two lists helpful and insightful. They are not officially sanctioned by CMA, nor to be confused with or competing with the 12 Steps.  However, they speak to additional strategies on the path to sobriety and the considerable rewards that come with it over time. -- The Editor

Legendary Bingo

Key Points from the GSR meeting on Saturday June 9, 2012

LOS ANGELES AREA DISTRICT 1

California Area Assembly June 16, 2012 Palm Springs
11:15am at the Lutheran Church, 1020 Ramon in Room 101

Pomona Town Hall – June 19th, Joey and I will be attending this event, very excited to be introducing CMA to this region of Los Angeles.

Help Line Meeting / Training Saturday, June 30, 2012
Roger’s place 929 San Vicente Blvd., West Hollywood
12 NOON

Thank you everyone, our 1st Long Beach meeting was a great success!

The next GSR meeting is on July 14, 2012
10:00 AM at Plummer Park


Mark M.

Festival of Recovery

Key Points from the GSR meeting on Saturday April 14, 2012

LOS ANGELES AREA DISTRICT 1

VERY IMPORTANT: MEETING CHANGE
Thursday’s meeting is moving back to the NCJW starting this Thursday 4/19 at 7pm

***CMALA Convention sent us $374.67 from the 7th tradition collected during the convention – THANK YOU CMALA

***Public Info and Out Reach – committee meeting 4/21 2pm at Dale G’s house, 530 N. Alta Vista Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90036

*** P&I is a part of the SHARE RECOVERY CONVENTION, we have been invited to be a part of two speaker meetings – very exciting stuff.

I WILL SEND OUT MORE INFORMATION NEXT WEEK

***Our June District Meeting will be in Long Beach – let’s spread the word! We will be having a BBQ at Dan and Gina’s after the meeting!

     
The next GSR meeting is on May 12, 2012

What Does Sex Mean to You?

When I do the post-mortem of a relapse with someone in CMA, their saga invariably starts with: “Well, I got on the computer...”   The inability of many of us to find our way to a healthy relationship with sex seems to present by far the greatest challenges to maintaining sobriety.

What I notice most when talking to guys struggling with issues of sex is their difficulty in seeing the forest for the trees. For example, I have a friend who has related basically the same story to me as least three times: he “finally” meets a “nice” guy who seems “together,” and over a series of texts or initial encounters my friend finds himself thinking incessantly about this guy.  Invariably there are miscues, unreturned phone calls, an ambivalent text.  Sometimes why it doesn’t work out remains a mystery, simply because there wasn’t enough of a relationship to justify a conversation about why they didn’t have a relationship.  It’s one repeating pattern, but every time this happens, my friend presents the scenario to me as if it’s specific to this man.

We’ve all been there. The embarrassing recognition that you went from zero to sixty in less than a week, that 90% of what you thought passed between you and him was all in your own head; a mixture of anticipation, expectation and projection.  If you’re honest about it, you barely knew the guy. And yet you’re in mourning over him.

The hard-to-swallow reality is this: in these cart-before-the-horse flingettes, it’s never about the guy, it’s always about you. Your abiding belief, deep in your core, that someone else is required to make you whole. Don’t feel bad--you’re in good company. There’s a reason “Jerry Maguire” gets quoted so often. “You had me at hello” appeals to the fantasy of skipping right to instant intimacy with a stranger--no annoying getting-to-know-you process.  “You complete me” manifests the cultural myth that there’s a soulmate for everyone and if we could just find him, we’d be fine.  For most addicts, these potent illusions feel completely real when crystal meth floods the brain.  No wonder we kept doing it -- those are some very seductive illusions.

I’m not preaching abstinence or celibacy--one or the other isn’t the problem or the solution. But I am suggesting you take a close look at what sex means to you.

Many addicts might not even be aware that they’ve attached a great deal of of meaning to sex--how much they have, who they have it with, who wants to have it with them.   But the truth is, in and of itself, sex doesn’t mean anything.  It has no intrinsic spiritual truth, no more than eating or walking or playing the piano. It only has the meaning you bring to it, and plenty of us bury it under so much baggage it can’t begin to bear the weight.

Of course we need contact, affection, interaction. We are social animals, and if the sole purpose of sex was procreation, human beings wouldn’t have evolved such a capacity to enjoy it.  Depriving oneself of physical connection (see: sexual anorexia) can be just as toxic as seeking it out obsessively. But as those who have made a decision to lead an examined life via the 12 steps, it is incumbent on us to attempt to inquire into every facet of our lives with rigorous honesty.

For example, what beliefs are you holding on to about sex that aren’t serving you? Do you feel you are “less than” if you aren’t in a relationship? Can a cruise (or indifference) from a stranger make or break your day? Do you allow your perception of how others perceive you to determine your sense of self-worth? Does “intimacy” for you only mean sexual intimacy? Can you give a “free” compliment detached from any expectation of return?

Too many of us end up so buffeted about by our emotions around sex and love that we seek relief in picking up, acting out or shutting down. But perhaps we don’t find right-sizedness around sex because we don’t even know what that would look like. What, for example, if we imagined bringing God with us into the bedroom and leaving shame outside instead?  What if we asked of our relationships to be exactly the way they are instead of how we think they should be? What if we saw our sexual health as contingent on our spiritual health, instead of the other way around?

I don’t know all of the answers. I only know that since I’ve started asking the questions, I’ve found a degree of serenity in this area I never thought possible.

Mark O.

Key Points from the GSR meeting on Saturday March 10, 2012

LOS ANGELES AREA DISTRICT 1

VERY IMPORTANT: NCJW CLOSING FOR 5 WEEKS

Monday’s meeting will be moving to Plummer Park starting 3/19 in Art Room 2.

Tuesday’s meeting – information will be forthcoming

Thursday’s meeting is moving to the Church at Fountain and Fairfax starting 3/19 – new start time 710pm.

St. Patrick’s Day Roller skating – March 14th 8pm Moonlight Rollerway, 5110 San Fernando Rd., Glendale, CA 91204 $12

Public Info and Out Reach – committee meeting 3/17 2pm at Dale G’s house, 530 N. Alta Vista Blvd.,  Los Angeles, CA 90036

I WILL SEND OUT MORE INFORMATION NEXT WEEK – PLEASE ANNOUNCE THE MEETING CHANGES AT ALL THE MEETINGS YOU CAN.

***Our June District Meeting will be in Long Beach – let’s spread the word!

St. Patty's Fun