Anhedonia

Definition of Anhedonia: Loss of the capacity to experience pleasure. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences. Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses. An anhedonic mother finds no joy from playing with her baby. An anhedonic football fan is not excited when his team wins. An anhedonic teenager feels no pleasure from passing the driving test. "Anhedonia" is derived from the Greek "a-" (without) "hedone" (pleasure, delight). Other words derived from "hedone" include hedonism (a philosophy that emphasizes pleasure as the main aim of life), hedonist (a pleasure-seeker), and hedonophobia (an excessive and persistent fear of pleasure).

Anhedonia is a brain condition that can be brought about by prolonged stimulant abuse. The brain forms many extra dopamine receptors in response to it getting flooded by huge bursts of the chemical on a regular basis. It is fooled into thinking there is so much available that it needs to form more receptors to handle the flow. Once a person tries to stop their meth or cocaine use, the brain does not automatically understand this. The extra receptors are still active. They are like munchkins in The Wizard of Oz waiting for the arrival of Glinda the Good Witch. And when Glinda (the big dopamine dumps) doesn't come, they panic and cause the brain to react in a highly agitated and negative fashion.
Being used to big highs and big lows, the brain can initially only understand that it doesn't feel anything close to what it's used to. it only feels nothing. it doesn't remember happiness or pleasure. It only feels empty.

This is anhedonia. If you or someone you know is in early recovery, this can easily be a by-product of getting clean or sober. There is no real quick fix. The brain takes time to heal. Plenty of liquids, good sleep, and antioxidants and free radicals can be helpful though. . It can be quite a challenge to comfort a friend while they are in the throes of anhedonia. They may easily become emotional about the loss of pleasure. They may not remember the pleasure they had, even yesterday. They may convince themselves they have never felt such a thing as good, and they may be frightened they will never feel it again.

Their brain may be fooling them into a relapse. For more information on anhedonia and relapse, consult with a mental health or substance use professional in your area. If none are available try find in one through nimh. And of course, go to meetings and share about it, as well as listen to see how others have come through it.

A person can definitely weather the storm that is anhedonia. I found help through friends (particularly with a good sense of humor), a higher power, and long talks with a sponsor.

Rod R.

An Excellent Suggestion

It’s not a step, and it’s not a tradition, but most newcomers will hear the “suggestion” that if you’re not already in a relationship, you might strongly consider putting the pursuit of one on the shelf for the first year of sobriety. Many sponsors extend the suggestion to sex itself—not surprising when we’re dealing with meth, which for most of us went hand in hand with it.
But it would be a mistake to reduce the warning against relationships in early sobriety to the simple possibility that sex could be a trigger, or relationship woes could lead to a relapse. It goes much deeper than that.
By the time we get sober, very few of us retain much more than a memory of what it was like to be present with our emotions and our experience over a prolonged period of time. The first months of getting reacquainted with ourselves without speed can range from being a rude awakening to a rollercoaster—to put it mildly. Meetings and fellowship provide relief, but not the kind of instant gratification and escape we’re used to and often still crave. Our egos and self-esteem are also often at a low point as well—we don’t feel very attractive and desire the validation of feeling wanted.
It’s no wonder we’re particularly vulnerable to the allure of infatuation. We may grasp intellectually that a headlong rush into happy coupledom smacks a bit much of the sort of look-before-you-leap impulsivity of the past, but when it feels so good it’s hard to find any downside.. That’s usually discovered the hard way, when, sooner rather than later, one if not both of you are shaking your heads, wondering what the hell that was all about. And often feeling like you’ve lost ground.
Hopefully, we then realize that at the very moment we needed to keep learning how to live life on life’s terms, without getting high, we took refuge in an attempted soaking of endorphins. We created feelings (usually focused on someone we really didn’t know) to escape from the hard work of being in the here and now and learning to live along spiritual lines. Even those who report starting a relationship early in sobriety that survived will invariably say “I don’t recommend it.” Talk to them and you will hear that they eventually had to do all the work they deferred doing by detouring into a relationship.
I resisted putting sex and relationship on the shelf at first. I thought the only thing wrong with me as a partner was my addiction, and now that I’d “handled” that, I was all ready for the soulmate I’d been waiting for. I soon found myself in some situations that were either dicey or way dramatic, and then decided it might be worth giving this suggestion a try.
I learned that the relationships that needed working on first were the ones I had with myself and with God. I discovered I could survive months without sex without undergoing some sort of emotional or physical atrophy, (when I was ready, I rode that bicycle again just fine). I got used to flirting without an agenda, found out I could be attracted to someone without asking them to bed, and learned how truly intimate a good hug could be.
It’s just a suggestion, and no one will kick you out of the program for not following it. Just remember it’s not coming from some place of finger-wagging or withholding. It’s merely the fruit of much experience, strength and hope that has gone before.
Marc O.

Empowerment

People grow when they are empowered. They excel. A word of encouragement is priceless. I have the opportunity to empower others each day. When I do it I feel empowered. I feel great. I feel like I’m giving something to the world instead of just sucking air. I love it. I want to do this forever.
I was with two of our newer members whom I see regularly, fighting to build and live sober lives. One younger, one older. I asked them if they wanted a ride home, not knowing where they lived. They brightened, accepting the apparently luxurious offer to downtown. Giving me simple directions I found my way to skid row.
With an uneasy laugh they spoke of huge dirty rats that scurry across their feet. They spoke of the small groups of loaded street people that often crowd the entrance and how they must pass these temptations each night as they checked in by curfew. I hoped they didn’t sense the inner gasp I made as I pulled up to the shelter hotel’s entry. Its blinding security lights making the smallest of safe zones in the grimy city darkness.
I remind them of how hard they’ve worked to get their beginnings of sanity and I thank them for showing me how, together, we can be strong in adversity. I thank them for the opportunity of participating in my own sobriety this night. Scraping the last nickels from my change holder I remind them and myself that we have an HP to thank tonight for giving us what we need and then to greet again in the morning.
I was scared for them. I thanked God that it wasn’t me who had to go inside, that had to stay there til sun’s light. They are brave, energized from tonight’s meeting and fellowship. Armed with the most basic tools of recovery, they reassure me they are OK and thankful for what they’ve accomplished so far. I see the older one seeming to arm his spirit for yet one more time and hear the slightest hint of fear in the voice of the younger one as they open the car doors toward the small clique of broken souls sizing them up near their entrance. I hope tomorrow’s sun comes up for them soon. I love what God has given us to keep going. I want always to share it.
Donald L

Service With a Smile - Chris M.

Tonight I witnessed one of the greatest acts of faith and willingness I've ever seen in someone new to recovery. I don't even know what word describes how I feel. Fulfilled. Grateful. Surprised, Happy. Blessed. I don't know. Full. I feel full.
This afternoon CL called. He's 5 days sober now, which was always a difficult point for me, and he's struggling. Making matters worse, people call him all the time looking for dope. His phone is replete with the numbers of connections.
I suggested he do what I did - change his number. And I suggested he meet me this evening. I had to blow off another commitment to do it but we got together at a coffee house at 9 this evening and talked a bit. He had a new phone number, he had erased his call history, and he had deleted most of his phone numbers.
We talked about it for ten minutes or so and then he deleted the rest of the numbers. Even the number of the man he feels like he's in love with.
When I got sober I changed my number right away, but it took me 4 months to be able to delete the contacts. I never talked to anyone about it. And to delete the my ex's number? That took a level of suffering I can barely describe. But I did delete all my numbers as an act of faith that this whole recovery thing was going to work out. To be present with someone as they took that same leap of faith was just completely incredible.
Chris M.

Put It On Your Calendar

Introduction

This is the newsletter of the Los Angeles District of Crystal Meth Anonymous. We have decided to maintain it in blog form in order to make it available to as many as possible who need access to the message that it is possible to recover from the disease of addiction.

This blog is a work in progress that will evolve in format and content over time. Tentatively, we have decided to begin with several monthly columns, provided by members of the recovery community in Los Angeles and the blogosphere. These are entitled:

1. "Moment of Clarity" - We all have dramatic tales of how we got here. What is most useful for others to hear is when, through the fog of the insanity, we realized what we were really doing to ourselves and that we were ready to change.

2. "Work That Step" - in which the writer recounts how he or she uses one of the Twelve Steps of Crystal Meth Anonymous in daily life.

3. "Service with a Smile" - Tell us a story about you stay clean by being of service, or by helping another addict get or stay sober.

4. "Interview with a Sponsor' - Don't know what to write about but you've got a great sponsor? Ask him or her how s/he did it!

We suspect submissions will come our way that don't fall under these categories, and we'll just have to title them accordingly. "These are guidelines to progress" as the Big Book says. We do ask that you maintain anonymity in the content of your entries, and that you aim for a length between 400 and 600 words.

As editor, I'll clean up obvious typographical and spelling errors. If requested, I'll be glad to edit more extensively. Don't let a lack of confidence in your writing ability stop you from spreading the message. And remember, laughter is the music of recovery. Let's take recovery seriously, but never ourselves.

This site will also list upcoming events, announce new meetings, and ask for support for meetings that need it.

Please feel free to email me at EditorCMAinLA@gmail.com. I'll get back to you right away.

Thank you for letting me be of service.

Marc O.