Dear Mary Jane,
When we met in college, you were so much fun! I remember how we used to hang out in the evenings after studying. You made me relax and all the anxiety went away. All those feelings of being unattractive and geeky were unimportant because when we were together, I didn’t care or think about them. We watched Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. You stayed with me all night, and I slept so well.
At first, when we were apart, I didn’t think about you much. But over the years, as we spent more time together, I always longed for you when you were gone. Eventually when we started to be together at every waking moment, I knew I had found my true love. For years we were inseparable, and I loved you so much I couldn’t bear to be without you. Even the consequences of missing my dissertation date and not listening to anyone else did not break the bond we had.
My heart was broken when you told me you could not be there for me. I became restless and unhappy that you were not willing to go the distance, and that I needed more from you. You said you were doing me a favor when you introduced me to your girlfriend, Tina. But it turns out that you were lying, and when I realized that, I was sad.
Tina took me places that I did not like and scared me at first. She would leave me alone when I protested, but would always wait just long enough for me to miss her just a little. Then she would show up and tease me. I got so excited just seeing her across the room.
Eventually I would get next to Tina, and she would touch me. I remember how the electricity zoomed through my body, and how I couldn’t wait to be with her again. You would call to check on me, and I would relax with you around for a while, but I always longed for Tina to return and bring back that excitement and fulfillment that no one else had ever achieved.
Sex with Tina was awesome and lasted for days. I always felt totally exhausted when we were done, but could not sleep. She was such a tease and I resented the fact that she would excite me at first, then drop me like a hot potato. She left me there, sweaty, horny and unfulfilled. Sometimes, she convinced me to call in sick for work, and we would watch TV with some of her friends. We were just staring at the screen, and I didn’t care who else was there. I grew disgusted and tired of Tina, so she would leave me alone a few days, and come back again. I tried to forget about her, and in return, she made me ill. I couldn’t work because she followed me everywhere, nagging and teasing me, and playing radio stations in my head.
People began to ask questions about her, but I would lie and tell them we had stopped seeing each other. You would come by during those empty times to calm me and just be there, but you wouldn’t let me do anything but watch TV and eat junk food.
You girls would fight over me and I just wished you both were gone for good. No one could reach me, because we were always arguing. I couldn’t handle the arguing or how you girls made me feel. I was lonely and wanted to see my old friends. You locked me in my house and invited strangers to visit. I became afraid the end was near, but held on some how, I don’t know how.
One day when you both went out to shop, I called my good friend, Bill W. and he told me how to be rid of my misery. I called the number he gave me, and made plans to take a vacation so I could get away. You both lied about how happy you would always make me feel, and stole my money. I couldn’t even do arithmetic or fix anything. How pathetic, depressing, and lonely.
I never want to see either of you again, because without you around I can see my friends, and know that they truly care about me, unlike you two, who never loved me -- you just used me to take away all the good things I had, and I have no idea why. Don’t come near me again. Just remember I can run faster than you!