Monday Sept 6th/Russell Y's/7013 Aldea Ave/Van Nuys, CA/91506
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Countdown to Now
It was countdown time. Newcomers stood up and identified themselves. The applause was loud and encouraging--I clapped and smiled along with everybody. The sobriety countdown continued. Thirty to sixty days. Sixty to ninety days—that where I am. But as the countdown continued I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. I became intensely conscious of everyone’s time in relation to my own.
I couldn’t shake the awareness of my relapses. I should be with the ones who raised their hands for the two-to-three year group, but I relapsed at a year and a half. Then there were those taking their one-year cake. I would have been among them but went out at nine months. I felt envy—the chartreuse monster.
The next morning, I woke up feeling shitty still. I felt sorry for myself—or at least my bruised ego did. I began to devalue myself and my recovery at an alarming pace. I went from having 72 proud days of sobriety to imagining myself a tragic old trot with nothing but a bus pass and a toothbrush to his name. Gratitude had flown out the window and along with it all sense of perspective.
I know how to feel bad about myself. It is so ingrained. Beating myself up is second nature. The “ism” waits for these vulnerable times and mugs my fragile self-esteem with the ferocity of a pack of hyenas-- pulling, tugging and shredding me into ribbons. “Compare and despair” kicks in and I get stuck in a spiraling loop of self-reproach and fear.
Luckily, I’ve been around long enough to have heard solution. It’s about one addict helping another. So I got on the phone and called people and talked. Called others and talked some more. It was with their help that I began to sort out and identify the various elements gnawing at me. It was only by talking to those I turned to that I was able to pull myself up into the present—the only “time” that really matters!
They reminded me that I was fortunate to survive two (fairly short) relapses and make it back into the rooms. Many do not. The pointed out my willingness to live a spiritual life manifests itself twice daily. In the morning I kneel and read from the Big Book, and recite the Third and Seventh step prayers. At night before I go to sleep, I again kneel and thank my Higher Power for keeping me clean and sober for one more day. Gratitude in action.
I make phone calls and more importantly, return them. I go to meetings and despite my fear and self-judgment, sit amongst my fellows. I stay open-minded and willing to take suggestion. I get more and longer glimpses of peace, love and serenity.
I am still here. Just for today.
Richard H.
I couldn’t shake the awareness of my relapses. I should be with the ones who raised their hands for the two-to-three year group, but I relapsed at a year and a half. Then there were those taking their one-year cake. I would have been among them but went out at nine months. I felt envy—the chartreuse monster.
The next morning, I woke up feeling shitty still. I felt sorry for myself—or at least my bruised ego did. I began to devalue myself and my recovery at an alarming pace. I went from having 72 proud days of sobriety to imagining myself a tragic old trot with nothing but a bus pass and a toothbrush to his name. Gratitude had flown out the window and along with it all sense of perspective.
I know how to feel bad about myself. It is so ingrained. Beating myself up is second nature. The “ism” waits for these vulnerable times and mugs my fragile self-esteem with the ferocity of a pack of hyenas-- pulling, tugging and shredding me into ribbons. “Compare and despair” kicks in and I get stuck in a spiraling loop of self-reproach and fear.
Luckily, I’ve been around long enough to have heard solution. It’s about one addict helping another. So I got on the phone and called people and talked. Called others and talked some more. It was with their help that I began to sort out and identify the various elements gnawing at me. It was only by talking to those I turned to that I was able to pull myself up into the present—the only “time” that really matters!
They reminded me that I was fortunate to survive two (fairly short) relapses and make it back into the rooms. Many do not. The pointed out my willingness to live a spiritual life manifests itself twice daily. In the morning I kneel and read from the Big Book, and recite the Third and Seventh step prayers. At night before I go to sleep, I again kneel and thank my Higher Power for keeping me clean and sober for one more day. Gratitude in action.
I make phone calls and more importantly, return them. I go to meetings and despite my fear and self-judgment, sit amongst my fellows. I stay open-minded and willing to take suggestion. I get more and longer glimpses of peace, love and serenity.
I am still here. Just for today.
Richard H.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Key Points from the GSR meeting on Saturday August 14, 2010
LOS ANGELES AREA DISTRICT 1
Hello CMAer’s,
Thanks for a fantastic and progressive meeting. Here are some key points.
Being of service, Freddie
* Meetings that need support are:
Monday: Steering Clear 12:00 pm @ 5715 Broadway Los Angeles.
Monday: Beginners Group 8:30 pm @ 1733 N New Hampshire Ave, LA CA 90027
Tuesday: Spinning into the Solution 7:30 pm @ 2530 Hyperion Ave. in Silver Lake
Wednesday: Stick to the Solution 7:00 pm @ Weho D&A Center 626 N. Robertson Blvd.
Wednesday: 7:00 pm Stick into the Solution @ 626 Robertson Blvd. West Hollywood
Wednesday: Sex and Relationships 8:00 pm @1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Thursday: CMA book (Unspun: Stories of Hope) reading meeting 8:15 pm @ 1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Thursday 7:00 pm Joyous, Grateful and Free 9436 Slauson in Los Angeles
Saturday: Stayin’ Alive 7:00 pm @ 2530 Hyperion Ave. in Silver Lake
Saturday: 8:00 pm Crystal Clear Methage @ Unit A 10641 Burbank Blvd. in North Hollywood
Saturday: Coffey Talk 8:30 pm @ The Bill Coffey House 836 North Detroit in Los Angeles
Sunday: The Internet: Sobrieties Dirty Little Secret 2:00 pm @1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Sunday: Stepping Forward 4:30 pm @ 1403 4th Street Long Beach
Sunday: A Method to our Madness 7:30 pm 3025 North Lincoln Ave. Altadena
Area Assembly: August 28 at 1pm in Davies Hospital 45 Castro Street, San Francisco. Go to CMAINLA.COM for more information. All GSR’s are invited. Candidates for the open trustee position are Dale G and Digby L.
Public outreach and information: Join Roger D. and be part of a team spreading the word of CMA throughout the community. The next Info/outreach meeting is to be announced and the next LA/Long Beach distribution day TBA. We had a successful distribution day in Long Beach. Thanks to all that help out.
Helpline: Join Chuck C. and take a 4 hour shift answering the helpline. The next meeting is on Thursday August 15, 2010 @ 6 pm at 6018 Carlton Way #2 Hollywood Ca. 90028.
Events planning: Join Dale G. and the team to plan these upcoming events! We will be having a bowling night at Shatto Lanes (3255 W. 4th street at Vermont. ). We are also in the planning stages of our 2nd annual comedy night “LOL” (TBA) and the 6th annual Halloween dance. Our first annual spiritual retreat - “Conscious Contact- a Spiritual Awakening” focusing on prayer, meditation and yoga- October 8th, 9th &10th 2010. The cost is $175/person. We are 50% booked. Sign up now. There is a link at CMAinLA.com for registering. Dixon P. is registration chairperson.
The Blog: Mark O. - If you would like to submit your view on a CMA related topic, please take a look at the pieces here at cmainla.blogspot.com and the guidelines, then submit pieces to editorcmainla@gmail.com. Mark will be happy to work with you to shape anything should you feel it needs it.
Registration/Directory: Marvin M. - The summer 2010 directory is available. Fresh copies can be picked up at the monthly district meeting or you can go to CMAINLA.com to download it.
H&I: Donald L. & Bob S. – We are looking for speakers to visit recovery houses to share their experiences. Invite your sponsees to join as well. To sign up, please attend the next meeting of H&I on Saturday September 11, 2010, at noon at the Plummer Park, Weho.
Chips/Literature: Kurt T. - Chips & literature are always available at each GSR meeting. The little burgundy 2010 edition of the big book is available for $2.00 apiece. There are seven approved pieces of literature. Directories and newcomer packets are also available. If you need these items you can come to the meeting or alert your GSR’s. If you notice that literature tables at your meetings are low on CMA literature, please talk to your literature person, secretary, or GSR about obtaining these items. The literature is also available as a download PDF at cmainla.com
* All committees are in need of volunteers. Volunteering is a great way to be of service and to give back to your community. If you are interested in any other committees, go to cmainla.com and send a message to the chairman of the committee you would like to be a part of or join us at the next district meeting.
A copy of this report can be found on cmainla.blogspot.com
The next GSR meeting is on Saturday September 11, 2010 @10am Plummer Park Weho. Let’s make something positive happen on this day!
Hello CMAer’s,
Thanks for a fantastic and progressive meeting. Here are some key points.
Being of service, Freddie
* Meetings that need support are:
Monday: Steering Clear 12:00 pm @ 5715 Broadway Los Angeles.
Monday: Beginners Group 8:30 pm @ 1733 N New Hampshire Ave, LA CA 90027
Tuesday: Spinning into the Solution 7:30 pm @ 2530 Hyperion Ave. in Silver Lake
Wednesday: Stick to the Solution 7:00 pm @ Weho D&A Center 626 N. Robertson Blvd.
Wednesday: 7:00 pm Stick into the Solution @ 626 Robertson Blvd. West Hollywood
Wednesday: Sex and Relationships 8:00 pm @1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Thursday: CMA book (Unspun: Stories of Hope) reading meeting 8:15 pm @ 1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Thursday 7:00 pm Joyous, Grateful and Free 9436 Slauson in Los Angeles
Saturday: Stayin’ Alive 7:00 pm @ 2530 Hyperion Ave. in Silver Lake
Saturday: 8:00 pm Crystal Clear Methage @ Unit A 10641 Burbank Blvd. in North Hollywood
Saturday: Coffey Talk 8:30 pm @ The Bill Coffey House 836 North Detroit in Los Angeles
Sunday: The Internet: Sobrieties Dirty Little Secret 2:00 pm @1773 Griffith Park Blvd. Los Angeles
Sunday: Stepping Forward 4:30 pm @ 1403 4th Street Long Beach
Sunday: A Method to our Madness 7:30 pm 3025 North Lincoln Ave. Altadena
Area Assembly: August 28 at 1pm in Davies Hospital 45 Castro Street, San Francisco. Go to CMAINLA.COM for more information. All GSR’s are invited. Candidates for the open trustee position are Dale G and Digby L.
Public outreach and information: Join Roger D. and be part of a team spreading the word of CMA throughout the community. The next Info/outreach meeting is to be announced and the next LA/Long Beach distribution day TBA. We had a successful distribution day in Long Beach. Thanks to all that help out.
Helpline: Join Chuck C. and take a 4 hour shift answering the helpline. The next meeting is on Thursday August 15, 2010 @ 6 pm at 6018 Carlton Way #2 Hollywood Ca. 90028.
Events planning: Join Dale G. and the team to plan these upcoming events! We will be having a bowling night at Shatto Lanes (3255 W. 4th street at Vermont. ). We are also in the planning stages of our 2nd annual comedy night “LOL” (TBA) and the 6th annual Halloween dance. Our first annual spiritual retreat - “Conscious Contact- a Spiritual Awakening” focusing on prayer, meditation and yoga- October 8th, 9th &10th 2010. The cost is $175/person. We are 50% booked. Sign up now. There is a link at CMAinLA.com for registering. Dixon P. is registration chairperson.
The Blog: Mark O. - If you would like to submit your view on a CMA related topic, please take a look at the pieces here at cmainla.blogspot.com and the guidelines, then submit pieces to editorcmainla@gmail.com. Mark will be happy to work with you to shape anything should you feel it needs it.
Registration/Directory: Marvin M. - The summer 2010 directory is available. Fresh copies can be picked up at the monthly district meeting or you can go to CMAINLA.com to download it.
H&I: Donald L. & Bob S. – We are looking for speakers to visit recovery houses to share their experiences. Invite your sponsees to join as well. To sign up, please attend the next meeting of H&I on Saturday September 11, 2010, at noon at the Plummer Park, Weho.
Chips/Literature: Kurt T. - Chips & literature are always available at each GSR meeting. The little burgundy 2010 edition of the big book is available for $2.00 apiece. There are seven approved pieces of literature. Directories and newcomer packets are also available. If you need these items you can come to the meeting or alert your GSR’s. If you notice that literature tables at your meetings are low on CMA literature, please talk to your literature person, secretary, or GSR about obtaining these items. The literature is also available as a download PDF at cmainla.com
* All committees are in need of volunteers. Volunteering is a great way to be of service and to give back to your community. If you are interested in any other committees, go to cmainla.com and send a message to the chairman of the committee you would like to be a part of or join us at the next district meeting.
A copy of this report can be found on cmainla.blogspot.com
The next GSR meeting is on Saturday September 11, 2010 @10am Plummer Park Weho. Let’s make something positive happen on this day!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Understanding Dopamine
The following excerpt refers at one point to crack, but as far as the effect on the pleasure centers of the brain, it could just as easily be crystal meth:
"The importance of dopamine was discovered by accident. In 1954, James Olds and Peter Milner, two neuroscientists at McGill University, decided to implant an electrode deep into the center of a rat's brain. The precise placement of the electrode was largely happenstance; at the time, the geography of the mind remained a mystery. But Olds and Milner got lucky. They inserted the needle right next to the nucleus accumbens (NAcc), a part of the brain that generates pleasurable feelings. Whenever you eat a piece of chocolate cake, or listen to a favorite pop song, or watch your favorite team win the World Series, it is your NAcc that helps you feel so happy.
"But Olds and Milner quickly discovered that too much pleasure can be fatal. They placed the electrodes in several rodents' brains and then ran a small current into each wire, making the NAccs continually excited. The scientists noticed that the rodents lost interest in everything. They stopped eating and drinking. All courtship behavior ceased. The rats would just huddle in the corners of their cages, transfixed by their bliss. Within days, all of the animals had perished. They died of thirst.
"It took several decades of painstaking research, but neuroscientists eventually discovered that the rats had been suffering from an excess of dopamine. The stimulation of the NAcc triggered a massive release of the neurotransmitter, which overwhelmed the rodents with ecstasy. In humans, addictive drugs work the same way: a crack addict who has just gotten a fix is no different than a rat in an electrical rapture. The brains of both creatures have been blinded by pleasure. This, then, became the dopaminergic cliche; it was the chemical explanation for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
"But happiness isn't the only feeling that dopamine produces. Scientists now know that this neurotransmitter helps to regulate all of our emotions, from the first stirrings of love to the most visceral forms of disgust. It is the common neural currency of the mind, the molecule that helps us decide among alternatives. By looking at how dopamine works inside the brain, we can see why feelings are capable of providing deep insights. While Plato disparaged emotions as irrational and untrustworthy - the wild horses of the soul - they actually reflect an enormous amount of invisible analysis."
Author: Jonah Lehrer
Title: How We Decide
Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Date: Copyright 2009 by Jonah Lehrer
Pages: Kindle Loc. 463-538.
"The importance of dopamine was discovered by accident. In 1954, James Olds and Peter Milner, two neuroscientists at McGill University, decided to implant an electrode deep into the center of a rat's brain. The precise placement of the electrode was largely happenstance; at the time, the geography of the mind remained a mystery. But Olds and Milner got lucky. They inserted the needle right next to the nucleus accumbens (NAcc), a part of the brain that generates pleasurable feelings. Whenever you eat a piece of chocolate cake, or listen to a favorite pop song, or watch your favorite team win the World Series, it is your NAcc that helps you feel so happy.
"But Olds and Milner quickly discovered that too much pleasure can be fatal. They placed the electrodes in several rodents' brains and then ran a small current into each wire, making the NAccs continually excited. The scientists noticed that the rodents lost interest in everything. They stopped eating and drinking. All courtship behavior ceased. The rats would just huddle in the corners of their cages, transfixed by their bliss. Within days, all of the animals had perished. They died of thirst.
"It took several decades of painstaking research, but neuroscientists eventually discovered that the rats had been suffering from an excess of dopamine. The stimulation of the NAcc triggered a massive release of the neurotransmitter, which overwhelmed the rodents with ecstasy. In humans, addictive drugs work the same way: a crack addict who has just gotten a fix is no different than a rat in an electrical rapture. The brains of both creatures have been blinded by pleasure. This, then, became the dopaminergic cliche; it was the chemical explanation for sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
"But happiness isn't the only feeling that dopamine produces. Scientists now know that this neurotransmitter helps to regulate all of our emotions, from the first stirrings of love to the most visceral forms of disgust. It is the common neural currency of the mind, the molecule that helps us decide among alternatives. By looking at how dopamine works inside the brain, we can see why feelings are capable of providing deep insights. While Plato disparaged emotions as irrational and untrustworthy - the wild horses of the soul - they actually reflect an enormous amount of invisible analysis."
Author: Jonah Lehrer
Title: How We Decide
Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Date: Copyright 2009 by Jonah Lehrer
Pages: Kindle Loc. 463-538.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
One Hour at a Time
I’m in my first 60 days of recovery, and it’s still overwhelming. I hear that people have 6 months here and 6 years there, and that’s where I want to be. Now. I don’t have the patience to wait—I want all of this addiction stuff behind me already. It’s like looking down the barrel of a gun, waiting for those days to pass. I hear “one day at a time” but right now I have to take it one hour at a time just to make it through the day. And I do, coming out on the other side with another notch of sobriety on my belt – for which I’m grateful.
I’ve already begun to see changes in myself as I’ve begun to work the first two steps. Fortunately, I didn’t have a problem with a “higher power,” because I realized that once crystal had pretty much taken over, I was helpless –it had won and was more powerful than me. Or so I thought. Using the second step, I have realized that there must be something equal to or greater than crystal’s power over me. It took some serious thought and reflection, but I managed to find something outside of myself that was greater than the power of the meth. It’s not easy putting it into practice though. I keep battling the “I-know-I-can-still-use-if” thinking, knowing intellectually that that is impossible. I am an addict, and I can never use safely.
It took me years to come to the admission that I had a problem. And of course the last place I wanted to go was a CMA meeting, because you were all addicts and I wasn’t. It wasn’t until I faced myself honestly that I could admit that yes, I was one too. It still hurts to say it; I don’t know how long it will take for that to end, but I’m sure in time that it will. I can’t say that I wake up each day and thank God that I’m alive, because I don’t. Most mornings it’s “Why? Why another day of this?” But I do have a higher power now, and I’m going to work to make sure that this higher power helps me in battling my addiction. So I go to 4-5 meetings a week, and should probably go to more. I share at the meetings because there might be someone else who needs to know he's not alone in what he's going through. We have all been there I think, and there’s nothing quite like the camaraderie of shared experience.
I’m still struggling, but I now have hope thanks to the meetings I attend and the wonderful people I have met. I have a sponsor (another thing I bitterly resisted) who I can talk to and who is guiding me through the steps. Are the thoughts of using still there? For sure. I don’t know how long the specter of relapse will hang over my head, terrifying me that I’ll fall backward and lose what I’ve gained, but I’ve heard it becomes easier as time goes by. But that’s my problem, now, isn’t it? I want it now, but that’s not the way it works. So I guess I’ll keep doing it one day, one hour at a time.
-Bill F.
I’ve already begun to see changes in myself as I’ve begun to work the first two steps. Fortunately, I didn’t have a problem with a “higher power,” because I realized that once crystal had pretty much taken over, I was helpless –it had won and was more powerful than me. Or so I thought. Using the second step, I have realized that there must be something equal to or greater than crystal’s power over me. It took some serious thought and reflection, but I managed to find something outside of myself that was greater than the power of the meth. It’s not easy putting it into practice though. I keep battling the “I-know-I-can-still-use-if” thinking, knowing intellectually that that is impossible. I am an addict, and I can never use safely.
It took me years to come to the admission that I had a problem. And of course the last place I wanted to go was a CMA meeting, because you were all addicts and I wasn’t. It wasn’t until I faced myself honestly that I could admit that yes, I was one too. It still hurts to say it; I don’t know how long it will take for that to end, but I’m sure in time that it will. I can’t say that I wake up each day and thank God that I’m alive, because I don’t. Most mornings it’s “Why? Why another day of this?” But I do have a higher power now, and I’m going to work to make sure that this higher power helps me in battling my addiction. So I go to 4-5 meetings a week, and should probably go to more. I share at the meetings because there might be someone else who needs to know he's not alone in what he's going through. We have all been there I think, and there’s nothing quite like the camaraderie of shared experience.
I’m still struggling, but I now have hope thanks to the meetings I attend and the wonderful people I have met. I have a sponsor (another thing I bitterly resisted) who I can talk to and who is guiding me through the steps. Are the thoughts of using still there? For sure. I don’t know how long the specter of relapse will hang over my head, terrifying me that I’ll fall backward and lose what I’ve gained, but I’ve heard it becomes easier as time goes by. But that’s my problem, now, isn’t it? I want it now, but that’s not the way it works. So I guess I’ll keep doing it one day, one hour at a time.
-Bill F.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)