Resolving Resentments and Facing Fears

Having at last finished my Fourth Step, resentments have now been front and center in my recovery for months. I have a good relationship with my sponsor who continually challenges me with gentle but firm direction. Because of his patient and thorough approach to the Fourth Step, I finally got a huge amount of relief from working this step. My sponsor's plan for doing Step Four was to do it piecemeal--not all at once. This helped me understand how writing out my resentments as instructed in the Big Book could actually change the way I felt, thought and acted. First, he had me write out columns 1 through 3--that's all. He didn't let me even start Columns 4 and 5.

That bugged me. I wanted to do it all and get it done ASAP. But he made me think it through when writing out each of my resentments so that I slowed down to understand the process better. I was forced to take time to reflect on the first 3 columns over and over. I had to think long and hard about my resentments and not rush. His instructions made me reflect deeply on who I resented, why I resented them and why it really bothered me.

After he reviewed Columns 1-3 with me, he then told me how to write out Columns 4 and 5 paying special attention to my fears. Frankly, I had never understood how my fears had anything to do with my resentments. But my sponsor was right. When I told him what fears I had written down, he didn't let me stop there. He pushed me to look at the core of what my fears were all about. Each step of the process was a revelation that opened my mind to exactly where I had been wrong.

My fears led me to behave in ways that were destructive not just to others, but also to myself. Understanding the connection between the two in a very specific way is profoundly liberating. Going through the process of looking at each resentment and the fears behind them taught me tools that I can use everyday in practical ways.

The game of fear and resentment is a vicious cycle, but it is one that only I can break. Holding onto a resentment never hurts the person we intend it to hurt. It only hurts us and hinders our own progress in life. We end up doing lifelong damage to ourselves more than anyone else.

The process of seeing my part in my own resentments and what my fears behind them are is going to save me from a lifetime of misery, bitterness and suffering. Now I understand the power of the Fourth Step as a way of seeing my own self-destructive behavior and changing it from within.

Jericho W.