Less is More

Recently, I completed my second 4th step, but the first one based almost entirely on my behavior in sobriety, and focussed on the area causing me the most emotional discomfort: sex and romance.

The specifics of the relationship that finally provoked me to do this step again are much less important than the theme that emerged as I examined the patterns that it embodied. It was the same overarching character defect that had come to light as my #1 shortcoming when I did my 4th step the first time around: a lack of humility.

This had manifested itself most obviously in the relationships I had with the circle of addicts who I employed and kept off the streets when I was dealing drugs. I couldn’t understand why they all ended up being resentful of me. Working with my sponsor, I recognized that it went much deeper than my enabling of their addictions. I’d taken away their right to make their own mistakes and face the consequences of their own actions. Under the guise of playing Robin Hood, I played God. And just as I had to learn accountability for my own actions the hard way, with a stint in prison, they had to go on their own journeys without my “help”—some into sobriety, some not.

It took me a while to see my lack of humility in this second 4th step. I had to break down my behavior to a few recurring tendencies, for example, making a chemistry more intense in my mind than it was in reality; writing scripts in my head for myself and others to follow (which they never did of course); expending untold energy figuring out what you were thinking instead of just asking you. I began to see that I played God by not allowing God to operate in my relationships. What about trusting if someone likes you on Tuesday, they’ll probably like you on Thursday? What about having faith that perhaps you were having the very relationship you two were meant to have?

As I completed this process, it occurred to me that if I didn’t know myself nearly as well as I thought, that perhaps I might not know others as well as I’d assumed either. I began to question how I approached all sorts of relationships, not just the romantic ones. Why not try to let others reveal themselves to me instead of being so busy forming opinions about them as soon as I can? I began to get comfortable with being in the present instead of projecting into the future, which immediately reduced the expectations that so often created disappointment.

If acting your way into right thinking is an essential tool in early sobriety, step work allows you to start changing your behavior by changing your thinking as well. As I’ve discovered a willingness to approach relationships with greater humility, I’ve already experienced a shift in how these relationships unfold. “I don’t know” has become three of the most powerful words I can use.

M.O.