The Value of Using Dreams

Using dreams. We almost all have them, and they freak most of us out. It’s very easy to take them personally, as if they’re some kind of referendum on the quality of our sobriety. Does having one mean we want to use? That we’re not working a “good” program?

Personally, the worst part of my using dreams is the sense I have in them that I’ve been secretly using for months or even the entire length of my supposed sobriety. The lying makes me feel terrible, and at the same time, appeals to the part of me that wants to believe that this isn’t a progressive disease. Maybe, I think to myself in the dream, I’m not an addict at all, because, evidently, I can hide it even from people in the program. But if this is true, I know I will lose the friendships I have made in recovery. The despair at the thought is palpable, and I struggle awake to escape it.

I’ve come to recognize that using dreams are a form of a “safe” slip. We can learn the lessons of a relapse without actually doing the homework. You get to see what it would feel like if you went out there again, and 99.99% of the time, if feels dreadful. Do you ever hear anyone say “I had the best using dream last night?” Do you ever want to get back to the same dream when you fall back to sleep?

Just because I almost never feel a craving anymore doesn’t mean that my disease isn’t doing pushups in that coffin I keep it in. When the night of my subconscious falls, the casket lid goes up. My dream state is the perfect place for my addictive beast to tear around and try to do as much damage as it can, but I must remember that not one actual line is snorted, or pipeful inhaled. And comes the dawn, the vampire is spent, but I’m still clean.

A using dream doesn’t mean you want to use. They may, however, serve as a safety valve for your disease. They are scary, but they can also be cause for gratitude. I know when I wake up, the relief I feel tells me that, yes, I really do want to be sober. This is always a good thing to be reminded of, however disorienting and unpleasant the actual reminder.

Mark O.